Do you know how many people’s pants should be on fire? For real, like, everyone's! Hot damn do people lie, and some people lie so well that their lies become known as the truth for year and years, but it has to stop. I’m here to present you with the Biggest Lies Told in History. Hold onto your seats ladies and gentlemen, because you’re not going to believe this sh—
8. Don’t F— with Sicilians
Wayyyy back in time, like 412 BCE, Alcibiades, an Athenian and one of our liars of this story, somehow came up with the thought that conquering Sicily would help Athens win the Peloponnesian War. General Nicias thought the plan was a little crazy and purposefully convinced Athenians that they’d need extra men to win the fight they were getting themselves into. He was right, but it still wasn’t enough. Things became chaotic and disorganized, and eventually, the Syracusans and Spartans trapped the Athenians in the harbor, and most everyone perished. Alcibiades, you were a punk!
In Piltdown, England, around 1912, a man claimed to have found the “missing link” between man and ape, who was the man? An amateur archaeologist named Charles Dawson. What he had was a skull, a skull he said he found in Pleistocene gravel beds near Piltdown in East Sussex. More digging was done at the site, and more bones were found, but eventually, a hoax was exposed. The skull was, in fact, human, but the jaw was of an orangutan, and it was grafted on. Whoever’s sick idea that was, we don’t know, as the hoaxer was never definitively found, but whomever it was was one demented mother farter.
This is kind of the precursor to the significant events that happened a few decades later; you’ll know what I’m talking about. Alfred Dreyfus, a French Jewish army captain, was convicted of treason in 1894 after allegedly selling secrets to the Germans. Anti-Semitism was near its peak at the time that everyone decided to destroy the man’s life and reputation, although he didn’t really do anything…. He was exonerated in 1906, twelve years after being taken into custody for something he didn’t do. I don’t understand this world, I tell you!
5. The Pyramids of Slavery
For years and years and years, basically since the pyramids in Giza were built, people have believed that slaves were forced to, well, slave away and assemble the great pyramids. Well, the tombs of the pyramid builders were found in 2010, near to the sites. The way they were buried and how close they were to what they built indicates that they were actually compensated and respected for what they did and that they were not, in fact, slaves. They chose to build those massive structures, so while they weren’t slaves, they were a little crazy, because who spends their lives doing that?
4. Crustopher Columbus, Okay, Christopher
Did any of you guys know that the person you thought found the Americas didn’t actually find the Americas? Also, did you know he was a major dirtbag? Well, now you do. Norse explorer Leif Ericson discovered the New World, and before him, the Native Americans were around. So why do we give Crustopher the credit? He was also a total liar and ruled horribly, cutting off people’s hands if they didn’t find him enough gold. Columbus Day? Might as well celebrate by sticking your hands into a wood chipper.
Fact: over a million Irish citizens had to emigrate to save their lives between 1845 and 1852, while millions of others sadly passed due to starvation. Everyone knows, or think they do, about the Irish Potato Famine, right? Well, while that kinda did happen, no one looks at the fact that England made the issue a whole lot worse. Countries tried to help the Irish by sending boatloads of food, which were turned away by the English. Irish farmers grew edible crops, which the English forced them to export. It wasn’t all the potatoes, it was England, too. Remember that the next time you see an Irishman and an Englishman in the same room together and dat ish get cray!
2. Bernie Assh-Uh, Madoff
Anyone remember this bad guy? He’s the one who ran his Wall Street company, Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, like a big ol’ Ponzi scheme and ended up losing people a lot of money. Like, their entire life savings due to his BS. This corrupt mother f— stole and stole and stole from innocent people, and we should have all known because his last name is pronounced “made off.” He was sentenced to 150 years in prison and will be “bunk buddies” with male cellmates until the end of his life. Yeeee